


Seeking Condemnation

by Diary



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Clint Barton Dies, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Natasha Romanov Angst, Natasha Romanov Lives, POV Natasha Romanov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 11:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19393366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: AU. Based on the sympathetic look Banner gives her, he hears the words she can’t say. Complete.





	Seeking Condemnation

Sitting down in the lab, Natasha asks, “Do you believe I killed him?”

She sees her words genuinely shock Dr Banner, but she can’t tell whether it’s due to the fact it hadn’t crossed his mind or he’s surprised she’d bring up the subject herself.

“No,” he answers. “Clint was a soldier, and he loved you. He made the hard choice.”

“You sound like Steve.” She can’t help her scoff. “I could have stopped him.”

“Those injuries you came back with suggest otherwise, but maybe, if things had gone a little differently, you would have. It doesn’t matter. If we’d known, we’d have come up with a better solution than sending you two alone.”

“I could have inflicted those myself.”

Sighing, he takes off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “You know, it’d make more sense to try to imply he inflicted them in self-defence or you sustained them in the act of self-defence. But you wouldn’t do that to him.”

Her biggest fear when it came to Bruce Banner used to be the fact he was a ticking time bomb. If others didn’t walk on eggshells around him, something potentially greater than a nuclear weapon could be unleashed, and if the day ever came he unleashed Hulk simply because-

Now, she’s not scared of him, but she almost hates him.

Clint wouldn’t be happy about that. He and Banner were never close, but he did like and respect the doctor. It’s not the only reason, but part of the reason he stood against Tony when the Accords came into play was due to the fact he hated and would always mistrust Thaddeus Ross.

“If you want me to ask if you killed him- Despite the fact you and I haven’t always gotten along, there’s one thing I’ve respected about you for almost as long as I’ve known you, Agent Romanov. Outside of active missions, you’ve never denied who you are, what you’ve done, and who you were. You released your file to the world. After India, you’ve never pretended when it comes to how you feel about me.”

“And so,” he continues, “I think that, if you had killed Clint, you’d be more at peace than you are right now. You would have made a decision you didn’t like but felt was necessary, and even knowing how we would have taken it, you would have told us the truth. Seen if we could still work with you or if you needed to figure out a different way to complete the mission.”

There are times when it’s hard to believe someone who has such intense anger issues can come across as so dispassionately detached.

“I’d be more at peace if-”

She can’t finish the sentence.

She’s never understood how suicidal idealisation even works. The red room was often literal torture, she never had long periods of consistent happiness until she was free of it, and yet, she can’t remember a time she ever thought being dead might be better. She knew she had to survive, and she did.

When she became Clint’s partner, she made peace as much as she could with the fact she might end up dying too early in the service of the greater good, but she was going to exhaust every available option first.

Based on the sympathetic look Banner gives her, he hears the words she can’t say.

“He didn’t have the right to make this choice. He took away mine.”

“Not to be- Look, I’m trying not to be a jerk here, but I imagine he felt the same way about you. From his point-of-view, you tried to take away his.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” she says.

No matter what, she’s bringing back all the people Clint died to save, but some of them loved him. Some of them would actively prefer it was her instead of him who’s lying in the bottom of some alien ravine. How is she supposed to deal with them?

Fury, he trusted her as far as he could trust anyone on Clint’s word. Hill never trusted her, but before Loki, she did respect Clint enough to take his word he could handle her (Nat) if she did turn out to be a threat to them. Wanda, she was as much Clint’s little sister as she was Steve’s, and the kinship she and Wanda built was based on the fact they were both survivors who processed morality differently than most people.

Wanda might ask if she killed Clint.

“What if subconsciously I didn’t fight as hard as I could have?”

He shrugs. “Then, you’re human. More importantly, though, he still had the choice. Until Clint was off the cliff, he had a choice. I’m sad he made it. I hate Thanos for putting him in the position to make it so much that the other guy is constantly pounding underneath my skin. But I understand why he did. I understand it was literally the hardest one he ever had to make.”

“Would you have made the same choice?”

“The fall wouldn’t have killed me,” he quietly says.

Hearing what’s in the undertone, she catches his eyes. “I don’t blame you, Dr Banner. Like you said, if we’d known, we would have come up with a different solution. Everyone, including me and Clint, thought it was a good plan. And I’m not sure there was a way to get that information before someone went there.”

“I have to go back when this is all over,” she continues. “If the body’s still there, I need to get it. We can have a funeral without it, but- if he’s there, I need to bring him home.”

“We’ll help you,” he says.

“Thank you.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you right now?”

She shakes her head. “Thanks, doc.”

With a nod he goes back to working, and closing her eyes, she remembers an arrow aimed at her. She remembers a gloved hand pulling her up. Memories of numerous tacky socks, being presented with fluffy pink bunny slippers, arguments over a broken pair of sunglasses, strong arms holding her when she cried, holding him as gently as she could when he cried, Fury glaring as they shifted beside one another, _sorry, Natasha, but I have to, hey,_ _I’m glad I met you, sweetheart,_ _always remember I love you_ go through her.

Then, taking a breath, she opens her eyes. Clint took a part of her with him over the cliff, but there’s still enough of her left.

Slipping off the stool, she heads to the gun range. Steve and the others will be back soon, and they’ll need to try to make sure their plans don’t end in anymore of their deaths.


End file.
